T O P

ITT- We tell classic jokes like Tom Meyers would

ITT- We tell classic jokes like Tom Meyers would

Cyberbully_2077

An african american, a latinx and donald trump are marooned on an island and find a lamp, and when they rub on it, a genie pops out, who offers them each one wish. The african american wishes to be sent to africa, so the genie snaps its fingers and woosh, he disappears! Next up is the latinx, who happens to be from mexico originally. They wish to be sent to mexico, so again the genie snaps its fingers and woosh, they disappear. Finally the genie turns to Donald Trump and asks "what's your wish?" Trump thinks for a second and says "well, since you've sent all the african americans and latinx people back to where they came from, I guess I wish for a nice hot cup of cofvefe."


babybutters

A little too funny for Tom.


GameronKY

Thats awful. Perfect.


Fixit403

Yeah, that’s pretty spot on. Well done


The_Phantom_Dennis

I was sitting on my couch the other day watching CNN and they were talking about Trump, when suddenly there was a knock at my door, too terrified to open the door I asked who is it at my door, an assigned-male-at-birth replied "an orange coloured citrus fruit" and before I could respond he walked away, he returned again and knocked on my door once again, and I said, louder this time, who is knocking on my apartment door? He once again said "an orange coloured citrus fruit" and walked away rapidly. Once I finally sat back down on my couch he returned and knocked once again, this time I furiously demanded to know WHO IS THERE!?!?! he replied "an elongated, edible fruit- botanically a berry, but also called a banana" and before he ran away I screamed at the top of my lungs "SIR, HAVE YOU HAD A BONG HIT TRANSPLANT!?!?!"


Fixit403

Imagine there’s someone knocking on someone else’s door because the doorbell is broken. The knocker knocks on the door, and the answerer opens the door and says “who’s there?” The knocker then says “it’s me, an idiot criminal!” And then the answerer says “go away, you don’t live here anymore!” That knocker was Donald trump, and the door he knocked on was the White House!


UhLookHereMan

why did the chicken go from one side of the road to the other side of the road? The chicken went from one side of the road to the other side of the road to actually just get to the other side of the road. And no vehicles hit the chicken, so it successfully went from one side of the road to the other side of the road.


GameronKY

^*pitylaugh.wav*


drsteve103

"I learned something interesting about West Virginia, that is, West Virginia broke away from Virginia during the Civil War. See, Virginia was in the Confederacy, and there was some people in Virginia who wanted to break away from the Confederacy and go back to the Union, so they formed West Virginia. So, the good people of West Virginia didn’t want to be known as a bunch of backwoods, redneck, inbred racists. … Oh, the irony!'". --actual Tom Myers "joke"


UhLookHereMan

tough talk coming from someone from Maryland, the state that wanted to secede but couldn't because it was surrounded by Union states


drsteve103

ha, good point, he's a fool.


drsteve103

"I read an inteview with the billionaire financier Warren Buffett. In this interview, he admits that he drinks five cans of Coca-Cola a day. Five cans of Coca-Cola a day! If he ever eats an entire packet of Mentos his head’s going to skyrocket higher than his fucking net worth!" Nice one, Tom


The_Phantom_Dennis

Homerun!!!!


Deeplyunprincipled

Last Tuesday, despite the heavy rain, I decided to take the bus to my Doctor's office. I went into her office, a fine trans lady of Afghan origin. Nope, not a terrorist who TAKES lives, GOP bigots, a doctor who SAVES lives. She then proceeded to give me her diagnosis, following my previous biopsy for cancer of the brain. Bad news, she said, I'm afraid it is estimated that you might have less than 7 months to live. Though obviously this is an imprecise number and only our best prediction given our current data. Naturally, I was upset and probably in denial. Could I possibly get a second opinion, I respectfully asked. You are ugly, she said. Which seemed harsh given my current medical predicament.


ROSCO577

It's said by some people, probably less educated sexist Republicans, that men, often times, while on road trips-be it a week long vacation or a weekender to a few towns over-- can read maps better than women. In reality, it may be true, because those same sexist republican men take a break from legislating against persons with a uterus, take their road trip, read the map, and then they can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles. Republican men have small dicks.


babybutters

I am reading all of these in Tom’s voice.


babybutters

I saw Monica Lewinsky at a restaurant last night. She was wearing a white dress. I couldn’t tell if she had been recently engaging in oral sex with politicians, because semen stains are also white.


GameronKY

Good one tom


babybutters

I don’t think it’s wordy enough. I’ll try to do better.


GeddyLeesThumb

A cis gendered white male with an alcohol tolerance problem, portal rapes the bedroom door of his cisgendered female spouse while holding a pig (*sus scrofa domesticus*) under the crook of his right arm. "Regard!" shouts the cisgendered alcoholic, "This is the object of my sexual desire and consensual copulation when you say that it's the time of your menses or that you are experiencing cranial discomfort and pain!" "How dare you intrude upon my slumber!" replies the female identifying life partner, "I should have heeded my cervically equipped parental unit vis a vis your suitability as a common law mate!" "Hush!" replies the inebriated male oppressor, "I was addressing my complaint towards the domesticated porcine creature (*sus scrofa domesticus*)!"


SithisTheDreadFather

What's a pirates favorite letter? D. It used to be "R," but they flipped sides after the Southern Strategy invited too many racist rednecks into the Republican Party. - How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 74,223,369. One to screw in the lightbulb and 74,223,368 racist bigots to suck Donald Trump's small orange dick while he's screwing the lightbulb in with his tiny hands at his lavish Manhattan apartment. - Three Republicans walk into a bar. They all say "ouch" because they were too busy sucking Vladimir Putin's dick to pay attention to where they were walking.


tinseltowntimes

Great idea. Tell me I inspired this! https://www.reddit.com/r/WhoAreThesePodcasts/comments/p2fmjh/stuttering_john_with_the_zinger/h8l0dw3?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3


GameronKY

You did not, but that is funny


Cyberbully_2077

What's the difference between a Drew and a Toothbrush? A toothbrush can quip.


GameronKY

Bad. This is a thread for tom meyers style comedy


Cyberbully_2077

Bad word economy isn't his only problem. "Bong hit transplant" was stupid because it was nonsense, not because it was too wordy.


UhLookHereMan

bong hit transplant is the greatest joke in history


GameronKY

Bong hit was WAYYYYYYYY too wordy


SoftWeekly

Lay off Drew.


Cyberbully_2077

I will if he stops being so drewish


SoftWeekly

I see what you did there